I have been trying to deal with criticism. Some of myself and my work rate and how I go about research and writing. But some from others, meant in a loving, helpful, constructive way for me to improve. However, it can become overwhelming and cause you to lose your place in the scheme of things.
I have asked for criticism and have felt that I was dealing with it well. Taking it to heart to try to improve and to learn where I have been going wrong. Latterly, I have been feeling a little introspective and wondering if the criticism is actually doing any good.
Off course, along with the criticism I am receiving praise, which I am thankful for, but the balance seems to me to be skewed more on the down, rather than the upside.
I have faced it and spoken to those directing criticism towards me. They are hurt and feel perhaps that I do not appreciate the help they are freely giving me. I just want to respond openly to them, but I am finding it difficult.
Time for more prayer and being open to God in this, criticism can be destructive and lower self-esteem, I don't think that I am at that stage yet and I need to do something to either stop it or to deflect it with explanation and thought.
I am sure that I will come back to this again.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Friday, 24 September 2010
Doing to Much?
I have been thinking about some of the things I have been doing over the past few months. I am not working having retired last year, therefore, in theory, I have loads of time to spare and lots to offer. But it is the offers that cause me some doubt. I have several different voluntary roles with my church and another Christian organization. I have study and essays to write and time needed for preparation and reflection on DDO directed activities. In fact, I find myself at times, rushing from place to place, meeting deadlines and pleasing different people. I thought that I had given all of that up when I retired.
I am constantly reminded by my SD, the DDO and Parish Priest of the dangers of being overwhelmed (SD) of doing to much (DDO) and needing time for myself (Parish Priest). At the same time, they give me stuff to do!
It seems to me that the time I need is for God and myself! Time to allow him to perhaps be allowed to speak to me in peace and quiet, not while I am on the run. Although, I must admit that those glimpses are worthwhile, specially when I hear or see someone who inspires me with their love, humility and selfless service.
My question to myself perhaps is concerned with my ability to cope with pressure - if I am wobbling now, at a time when the church is testing a vocation, how will I cope with training (if selected) and how will I cope with ministry if ordained?
Lots to pray for and guidance to seek - back to my SD perhaps.
I am constantly reminded by my SD, the DDO and Parish Priest of the dangers of being overwhelmed (SD) of doing to much (DDO) and needing time for myself (Parish Priest). At the same time, they give me stuff to do!
It seems to me that the time I need is for God and myself! Time to allow him to perhaps be allowed to speak to me in peace and quiet, not while I am on the run. Although, I must admit that those glimpses are worthwhile, specially when I hear or see someone who inspires me with their love, humility and selfless service.
My question to myself perhaps is concerned with my ability to cope with pressure - if I am wobbling now, at a time when the church is testing a vocation, how will I cope with training (if selected) and how will I cope with ministry if ordained?
Lots to pray for and guidance to seek - back to my SD perhaps.
Friday, 17 September 2010
The English Patient
This month the DDO gave me the film The English Patient to review. It is part of the Ordination Criteria of Personality and Character. The idea being that I watch the film making notes as I go, and then follow up with a brief review of the theme of the film and and identify any characters that resonate with me and why. I had not read the book, so perhaps I need to do so to compare with the films interpretation of what I understand to be a modern classic.
Having never seen the film (despite it winning 7 awards) I was pleasantly surprised by its depth and coverage. The Characters are expressive and speak volumes, even if not in words. So does the setting of the Libyan Desert and the times just before and during WW2.
The film is basically about love (forbidden or unrequited) broken people, forgiveness and renewal. But I actually found it to be full of hope, that despite some desperate circumstances, something good can come from hard situations. Almasi the central character is complex as is Katherine as his lover and another man's wife, but the most complex character is Hannah. She appears to be a victim from several bereavements (a good friend dying right at the start) who takes Almasi, her patient and see's something Christlike in his suffering. Her relationships with everyone she encounters appear to work out on several levels, even with Kip the Sikh Sapper, who becomes her lover. She believed that she was cursed, due to the bereavements she suffered personally, and also allowed her compassion to overwhelm her, becoming much to emotionally involved with those she treated, leaving her extremely vulnerable to their suffering, perhaps helpless to do anything effective to help them. So taking Almasi, who was going to die whatever she did and allowing him to die in peace, medicated and lovingly cared for seemed to be the solution to her problems. Off course, it wasn't the solution for her, but it was for Almasi, who having learned who he was, asked to be put out of his misery. Her developing relationship with Kip allows her to become once again fulfilled both as a women and a lover and to cope with her vulnerability.
Another very understated character was Sgt Hardy. From saving Hannah's life in the minefield, throughout the film, his trust in, love and respect for Kip as his superior, friend and commander, gained from years working together in dangerous situations seems to be me to speak of a selfless, sacrificial love and life. Only after his unfortunate death by a booby trap bomb, did Kip discover that Hardy actually had been courting a local italian girl and was actually engaged.
Another character David Carrigio, a vengeful, anger filled man, who had been mutilated by a German interrogator after being betrayed as a british agent, came to Italy, looking for Almasi, convinced that he had been responsible for his betrayal. After encountering Almasi and listening to his flashback memories, comes to accept that he might not have been directly to blame and is able to forgive. Wonderful to think that God works in people in such ways.
Off course, the love story between Almasi and Katherine is central to the story, revealing aspects of both of their characters. Almasi, very much a thoughtful, self contained loner, coping with new feelings of love of the unobtainable. Katherine, an self centered, slightly impractical, hut educated socialite married to Geoffrey and explorer and british agent, taking what she wants with Almasi, an affair, which is not just about the sex, but is about a deep and profound love and affection between them. Eventually sacrificing the affair for the sake of her marriage. The explosive outcome of Geoffrey discovering the affair and killing himself while also trying to kill Almasi and Katherine leads to the poingant ending of Katherine, injured left in a cave to die alone, while Almasi seeking help is imprisoned as a German spy. Almasi eventually returns to find Katherines body and takes it in a plane, which is shot down with Almasi being terribly burned, losing his memory and ending up as the English Patient.
A thought provoking film indeed, giving me much to reflect on. Now for the essay.
Having never seen the film (despite it winning 7 awards) I was pleasantly surprised by its depth and coverage. The Characters are expressive and speak volumes, even if not in words. So does the setting of the Libyan Desert and the times just before and during WW2.
The film is basically about love (forbidden or unrequited) broken people, forgiveness and renewal. But I actually found it to be full of hope, that despite some desperate circumstances, something good can come from hard situations. Almasi the central character is complex as is Katherine as his lover and another man's wife, but the most complex character is Hannah. She appears to be a victim from several bereavements (a good friend dying right at the start) who takes Almasi, her patient and see's something Christlike in his suffering. Her relationships with everyone she encounters appear to work out on several levels, even with Kip the Sikh Sapper, who becomes her lover. She believed that she was cursed, due to the bereavements she suffered personally, and also allowed her compassion to overwhelm her, becoming much to emotionally involved with those she treated, leaving her extremely vulnerable to their suffering, perhaps helpless to do anything effective to help them. So taking Almasi, who was going to die whatever she did and allowing him to die in peace, medicated and lovingly cared for seemed to be the solution to her problems. Off course, it wasn't the solution for her, but it was for Almasi, who having learned who he was, asked to be put out of his misery. Her developing relationship with Kip allows her to become once again fulfilled both as a women and a lover and to cope with her vulnerability.
Another very understated character was Sgt Hardy. From saving Hannah's life in the minefield, throughout the film, his trust in, love and respect for Kip as his superior, friend and commander, gained from years working together in dangerous situations seems to be me to speak of a selfless, sacrificial love and life. Only after his unfortunate death by a booby trap bomb, did Kip discover that Hardy actually had been courting a local italian girl and was actually engaged.
Another character David Carrigio, a vengeful, anger filled man, who had been mutilated by a German interrogator after being betrayed as a british agent, came to Italy, looking for Almasi, convinced that he had been responsible for his betrayal. After encountering Almasi and listening to his flashback memories, comes to accept that he might not have been directly to blame and is able to forgive. Wonderful to think that God works in people in such ways.
Off course, the love story between Almasi and Katherine is central to the story, revealing aspects of both of their characters. Almasi, very much a thoughtful, self contained loner, coping with new feelings of love of the unobtainable. Katherine, an self centered, slightly impractical, hut educated socialite married to Geoffrey and explorer and british agent, taking what she wants with Almasi, an affair, which is not just about the sex, but is about a deep and profound love and affection between them. Eventually sacrificing the affair for the sake of her marriage. The explosive outcome of Geoffrey discovering the affair and killing himself while also trying to kill Almasi and Katherine leads to the poingant ending of Katherine, injured left in a cave to die alone, while Almasi seeking help is imprisoned as a German spy. Almasi eventually returns to find Katherines body and takes it in a plane, which is shot down with Almasi being terribly burned, losing his memory and ending up as the English Patient.
A thought provoking film indeed, giving me much to reflect on. Now for the essay.
Monday, 30 August 2010
The Journey Continues
It's a couple of months since I posted here. I have been pretty busy with lots of different things, some family related but in the main church or vocation related.
I had a third meeting with the DDO last month, which again was positive and allowed a pretty two way conversation, with my questions being answered very well. Each meeting gives me more insight and more confidence in both the DDO and the system for selection, which I had been negative about, but I can now see much more the realism that is needed and central to the process.
It is not me testing a vocation, but God and the Church together. I feel that God is pointing me in a certain direction, with the road map a little fuzzy - the DDO is my guide and mentor who is willing me to demonstrate the potential necessary to progress, but is also prepared to act if potential is not being displayed and growth being shown.
One thing I have really learned in this process it to read carefully the criteria and the tasks being asked. In my ignorance or perhaps laziness I have twice gone of on a red herring when preparing and writing essays - only to discover that I had actually got it totally wrong. I have also discovered a weakness in my essay writing skills and have been fortunate to have been given some help from an English teacher to improve them. Going back to basics is a salutary experience - it reminds us of how much we learn and forget. All of this I had done at school in the 1960's, but generally disregarded as obsolete and not important in my working life. Now the priority is to get it right and first time.
The second thing I have learned is the importance of proper reflection on things that happen, how they happen, what I did during them, and what I have learned from the experience. Keeping my journal upto date is important to allow me to look back on situations and consider how I could have dealt with them better.
Spiritual Direction is another area where I have found real support and encouragement, but have also on occasion been in a rocky place and disappointed my SD. He has made it clear that I am not doing myself a service with missing out on things or procrastination - I am only disappointing God, who is calling me to make the most of those inherent gifts given to me freely. I see that I need to seize every opportunity and make the best of it.
Otherwise life continues. Today is a lazy Bank Holiday with a lot to do this week with my church in terms of ministry, training, interviewing potential candidate for a role in the Parish and revision and more english tuition.
Life is great and God is Greater. Thanks be to God for all of this which is helping me to grow and to develop as a Christian and to be fully who he knows I can be.
I had a third meeting with the DDO last month, which again was positive and allowed a pretty two way conversation, with my questions being answered very well. Each meeting gives me more insight and more confidence in both the DDO and the system for selection, which I had been negative about, but I can now see much more the realism that is needed and central to the process.
It is not me testing a vocation, but God and the Church together. I feel that God is pointing me in a certain direction, with the road map a little fuzzy - the DDO is my guide and mentor who is willing me to demonstrate the potential necessary to progress, but is also prepared to act if potential is not being displayed and growth being shown.
One thing I have really learned in this process it to read carefully the criteria and the tasks being asked. In my ignorance or perhaps laziness I have twice gone of on a red herring when preparing and writing essays - only to discover that I had actually got it totally wrong. I have also discovered a weakness in my essay writing skills and have been fortunate to have been given some help from an English teacher to improve them. Going back to basics is a salutary experience - it reminds us of how much we learn and forget. All of this I had done at school in the 1960's, but generally disregarded as obsolete and not important in my working life. Now the priority is to get it right and first time.
The second thing I have learned is the importance of proper reflection on things that happen, how they happen, what I did during them, and what I have learned from the experience. Keeping my journal upto date is important to allow me to look back on situations and consider how I could have dealt with them better.
Spiritual Direction is another area where I have found real support and encouragement, but have also on occasion been in a rocky place and disappointed my SD. He has made it clear that I am not doing myself a service with missing out on things or procrastination - I am only disappointing God, who is calling me to make the most of those inherent gifts given to me freely. I see that I need to seize every opportunity and make the best of it.
Otherwise life continues. Today is a lazy Bank Holiday with a lot to do this week with my church in terms of ministry, training, interviewing potential candidate for a role in the Parish and revision and more english tuition.
Life is great and God is Greater. Thanks be to God for all of this which is helping me to grow and to develop as a Christian and to be fully who he knows I can be.
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Next Visit to the DDO
I had another DDO interview yesterday. It was different to the last in that he now has much more in terms of background having completed the paper chase and provided all of the information requested. A bit of a struggle to get Baptism and Confirmation Certificates from the RC Church, but eventually they supplied them.
It has been a busy month with much reflection on the Criteria and what I had already written and other work, which I had not anticipated being so painful, going over a life story and putting in bald facts some of the more traumatic life events which have caused pain for me and for others. A saving grace of the process was support from my Parish Priest and my Spiritual Director who have helped to show me the necessity of doing this stuff and to just allow God's will to be shown. The process is one that I cannot control but just place my trust in God.
Yesterdays interview challenged me but also allowed me some time and space to answer some questions and to make what I had written come alive and be relevant. I found it wonderful how things you take for granted in your life can be looked at with different eyes and be shown to be God at work in your life.
One thing that I can discern is that I sometimes do to much, more than asked, which is a distraction from the process of allowing things to work and to reflect on them and how they help me to develop the lay ministry which is already part of my work within the Parish. I now have a sounder idea on how and what I should be doing in this area.
Due to being so 'busy' I can take my eye of where God is guiding and nudging me towards
I found a Prayer which reflects how I feel and what I am seeking:
I sat and prayed this prayer:
Father,
I know you love me and have plans for me,
but sometimes, I am overwhelmed by the
thought of the future.
Show me how to walk forward,
One day at a time.
May I take heart while I search openly,
learn all about the choices, listen to
others for advice and pay attention to my
own feelings.
By doing these things, may I hear your call to
live a life that will let me love as only I can love,
and allow me to serve others with the
special gifts you have given me.
I ask this through Jesus Christ Our Lord
Amen
I found this useful while preparing for the meeting and could be seen sitting on a bench outside Diocesan House praying it again. I feel that it just fits.
This month I have two tasks and will be praying for inspiration and I am sure that the Spirit will answer.
It has been a busy month with much reflection on the Criteria and what I had already written and other work, which I had not anticipated being so painful, going over a life story and putting in bald facts some of the more traumatic life events which have caused pain for me and for others. A saving grace of the process was support from my Parish Priest and my Spiritual Director who have helped to show me the necessity of doing this stuff and to just allow God's will to be shown. The process is one that I cannot control but just place my trust in God.
Yesterdays interview challenged me but also allowed me some time and space to answer some questions and to make what I had written come alive and be relevant. I found it wonderful how things you take for granted in your life can be looked at with different eyes and be shown to be God at work in your life.
One thing that I can discern is that I sometimes do to much, more than asked, which is a distraction from the process of allowing things to work and to reflect on them and how they help me to develop the lay ministry which is already part of my work within the Parish. I now have a sounder idea on how and what I should be doing in this area.
Due to being so 'busy' I can take my eye of where God is guiding and nudging me towards
I found a Prayer which reflects how I feel and what I am seeking:
I sat and prayed this prayer:
Father,
I know you love me and have plans for me,
but sometimes, I am overwhelmed by the
thought of the future.
Show me how to walk forward,
One day at a time.
May I take heart while I search openly,
learn all about the choices, listen to
others for advice and pay attention to my
own feelings.
By doing these things, may I hear your call to
live a life that will let me love as only I can love,
and allow me to serve others with the
special gifts you have given me.
I ask this through Jesus Christ Our Lord
Amen
I found this useful while preparing for the meeting and could be seen sitting on a bench outside Diocesan House praying it again. I feel that it just fits.
This month I have two tasks and will be praying for inspiration and I am sure that the Spirit will answer.
Saturday, 12 June 2010
DDO Interview
I had my first interview last Monday. It was quite intense and while I had been nervous, I found myself being put at ease and able to respond logically to all that happened. The outcome is straight forward I am to continue with the DDO for the next few months, working with him on discernment while all of the other necessities of administration and documentation are completed.
When asked what ministry - naturally the words NSM came out, rather than the long held OLM path. So NSM it is. A long way ahead, if it ever happens! For the moment I am content to rest and to pray and reflect, but some serious work starts soon.
This week has been about chasing all the stuff I did not think of getting together, Documentation etc, which has mean a round robin with Churches I have not been to in 50 years or more. But they have been considerate and helpful (I think) and have enabled me to make progress.
The path is long and winding (as the song goes) and I am unsure where God will take me, but it is really wonderful to be along for the ride.
God is Great.
When asked what ministry - naturally the words NSM came out, rather than the long held OLM path. So NSM it is. A long way ahead, if it ever happens! For the moment I am content to rest and to pray and reflect, but some serious work starts soon.
This week has been about chasing all the stuff I did not think of getting together, Documentation etc, which has mean a round robin with Churches I have not been to in 50 years or more. But they have been considerate and helpful (I think) and have enabled me to make progress.
The path is long and winding (as the song goes) and I am unsure where God will take me, but it is really wonderful to be along for the ride.
God is Great.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
DDO Interview
Well, the call came a couple of days ago, and I am scheduled to see the DDO on 7th June.
This is a crucial meeting for both of us. For me, it is a step forward in the discernment process and for him the opportunity to assess whether I have the potential to for Ordained Ministry.
I am thinking, reflecting and praying about the process and what he will want and need to know and what I will take with me. I have made extensive notes about my journey thus far and loads about my life journey. But I sense that much more than that is needed, and somewhere in my pack hopefully will be the Holy Spirit guiding and gently nudging us both to see what God's will might be for this journey.
I have been pretty wound up about this in the past, but at the moment, feel just calmness and anticipation - God is pulling me on this, and I am a willing follower. I sincerely hope that our direction is forward, although my expectation is for a more convoluted route and perhaps one or two diversions before we reach our goal.
Lord, you know what you are doing - I only ask that you show us your intentions. Amen
This is a crucial meeting for both of us. For me, it is a step forward in the discernment process and for him the opportunity to assess whether I have the potential to for Ordained Ministry.
I am thinking, reflecting and praying about the process and what he will want and need to know and what I will take with me. I have made extensive notes about my journey thus far and loads about my life journey. But I sense that much more than that is needed, and somewhere in my pack hopefully will be the Holy Spirit guiding and gently nudging us both to see what God's will might be for this journey.
I have been pretty wound up about this in the past, but at the moment, feel just calmness and anticipation - God is pulling me on this, and I am a willing follower. I sincerely hope that our direction is forward, although my expectation is for a more convoluted route and perhaps one or two diversions before we reach our goal.
Lord, you know what you are doing - I only ask that you show us your intentions. Amen
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