Introspection

Yesterday evening during a going away function for me, two things happened that caused me to stop and to take stock.

In the first, my Parish Priest gave a precis of a case that we were both involved with providing Pastoral Care for a family which had suffered a traumatic bereavement. He praised the care, compassion and competence that I had shown. To me, this covered the inner truth, that at the time I had been hanging on by my fingertips. Swamped and overloaded with others feelings and emotions, I had let their grief have an impact on me, I shared their loss and felt totally inadequate, ill equipped and uprepared for the situation. I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. I liken it to seeing a duck swimming serenely across a pond, while underneath, the legs are working furiously to propel it through the water. As a direct result of this experience, I found God coming back into my life.

Later on, a presentation of a Bible to me, highlighted to me how much had changed in me, and in what others had seen in me since the experience. I had openly acknowledged my return to faith and had discussed it openly with other staff and colleagues. This had been received if initially with a little scepticism, latterly with support and encouragement. From being a total agnostic about faith and belief, I had changed sufficiently in their view, to make the presentation of choice, a Bible.

All of this among a function, filled with laughter and fun, with food and drink, reminiscences of times past and happy working relationships. It felt strange - presenting a front of thanks giving for their kindness, married with inner turmoil.

It has highlighted to me how vulnerable I remain to flash backs and how things that you believe you have got over, can retain a hold on you to return - I need to reflect on this a little and come back when I feel a little better about it.