Doing to Much?

I have been thinking about some of the things I have been doing over the past few months. I am not working having retired last year, therefore, in theory, I have loads of time to spare and lots to offer. But it is the offers that cause me some doubt. I have several different voluntary roles with my church and another Christian organization. I have study and essays to write and time needed for preparation and reflection on DDO directed activities. In fact, I find myself at times, rushing from place to place, meeting deadlines and pleasing different people. I thought that I had given all of that up when I retired.

I am constantly reminded by my SD, the DDO and Parish Priest of the dangers of being overwhelmed (SD) of doing to much (DDO) and needing time for myself (Parish Priest). At the same time, they give me stuff to do!

It seems to me that the time I need is for God and myself! Time to allow him to perhaps be allowed to speak to me in peace and quiet, not while I am on the run. Although, I must admit that those glimpses are worthwhile, specially when I hear or see someone who inspires me with their love, humility and selfless service.

My question to myself perhaps is concerned with my ability to cope with pressure - if I am wobbling now, at a time when the church is testing a vocation, how will I cope with training (if selected) and how will I cope with ministry if ordained?

Lots to pray for and guidance to seek - back to my SD perhaps.

How to Cope

One thing that I have learned over 43 years of military service is coping strategies. Having lived in different countries and cultures with language barriers, you learn to develop these early.

I understand myself to be a reasonably efficient person, with the ability to work well with and manage others. I am also a reasonable manager, or I would not have got to the position of responsibility that I now hold (but am about to relinquish).

I have coped with personal trauma, real trauma and death, complex situations, some during operational deployment, or training for them (albeit, none in recent years). I have always been able to cope.

In the last 12 months, I stepped onto a roller coaster. The roller coaster in question, was a faith journey, which has spun on dramatically escalating from a twinge, an idea, a confirmation that there was a God and that he wanted me back, to joining a Christian Congregation, being confirmed and now testing a vocation. Why have I not coped particularly well with this?

Perhaps it is the total unpredictability of it - perhaps it is God's will to keep me on a hook, perhaps it is just my human inability to see and discern what is going on inside and outside myself. I just don't cope - I go from day to day, with a prayer, with joyous occasions, with new enlightenment coming from small things, people, events, pictures, reading, viewing and participation on the internet in church and research. I am struggling to balance everything and to cope. I don't get time to think before something else comes along to disturb the peace, with I believe that I have got to.

What I do know, is the excitement, the longing, the constant nagging inside saying to me, I am here, this is the way, just follow, be patient, keep seeking, keep your eyes open, be alert, welcome all, and crucially, I feel that the love that is God's presence in my life.

Wow, perhaps I am coping after all.