I have just received records of my time in Care when a young child. I have felt the need to close a gap in memory and knowledge for what, why and how it happened. The need is two fold, in connection with possible discernment for ministry, but also to understand where I came from and where I am now. Joining up the dots of a life line where there is bit of a gap.
I had anticipated just browsing the file, and making notes, without to much fuss. However, it is not so easy - drawing back the curtain and letting light into dark places (I was between 10 months to 10 years old during the this period.)
I read some things, which I have no memory of concerning my parents, their life after their marriage and subsequent marriage breakdown. Things, which I had an inkling of, from things my father said - but there is nothing like seeing it in black and white, starkly laying out events, dates, times, places, meticiously recorded.
I am still assimilating this data - I know that I will need to revisit it to fully understand it - but worry whether I will be able to cope with the upset it might cause me and perhaps to others. Although I am inclined to put it away and forget it - but it will not let me.
God is working here - this is a time for healing and working through issues, unspoken or even unthought of for many years - I think that Spiritual Direction will have a bearing on how this goes, and I will be off to it quite soon.
but worry whether I will be able to cope with the upset it might cause me and perhaps to others.
ReplyDeleteBeing able to admit this sort of vulnerability, from someone who has relied so much on his own strength, is itself a strength.
This summer I remembered something difficult from my childhood, which I hadn't so much forgotten as just not realised the relevance of. I was upset, not because of the negativity of the situation I remembered, but because I didn't like the feeling that my brain might at any time throw me something unexpected and painful like that.
One comment from a dear friend was that maybe I was remembering it because I am finally in a position where it is safe for me to think about and process these difficult things without being destroyed by them.
I hope and pray that the same will prove true for you. Of course it will be painful. Of course it won't be easy. But perhaps now you are in a position for some healing to happen.