I actually wrote this and posted elsewhere on 21st December, I thought that it was a summary of a great year in my life. I have amended it to protect the innocent.
Yesterday evening during worship, I reflected a little on how Exciting 2009 has been in my life. While I have had a full life, with lots of ups and downs, which is what life is about. In 2009, the first full year back as a Christian, answering a call from God, which is remains strong and full on - so much has happened.
Firstly, the call to some form of Ministry within the Church has now developed to the stage, where I feel that it is Ordained Ministry, which due to my age and circumstances, means Ordained, Local Ministry in a specific location - I feel called to Minister within my B&M Parish, the Bridge Benefice near Canterbury.
This call has been recognised in the Parish and I have become involved quite deeply in a Parish Placement, which has involved taking communion to people in Care Homes, supporting Worship in Reading and now latterly intercessions and actually been given the privilage of leading an Act of Worship for Remembrance Day. I is planned that I will be formally licensed by the Bishop as an Authorised Lay Minister for these duties in January. I also will be seeing the DDO in January, where I hope and pray that the call will be discerned to enable it to move forward.
I have now gained a Spiritual Director, who has proven thus far, to be supportive and truly helpful. I anticipate this relationship growing and developing in the new year. This relationship allows me to explore as yet unconsidered facets of the call and to help me deepen my faith and belief and to develop my personal prayer life. So it is immensely important for me.
In August, my spouse and I renewed our Wedding Vows at St Mary's church, the place where I was accepted into the Parish and the CofE in 2008. This was for us a day of great joy and reinforced our relationship of love and care for each other on so many levels.
In August, I actually retired from full time employment. In many ways a sad occasion, as I left behind a huge portion of my life (43 years) in the Army. However, it was time! I felt in many ways that being part of an organisation, which of necessity had to recruit young people, who would have to go to war in Afghanistan, was something which I had real concerns about. I have no regrets about my service, which has provided me with a good living and security in the form of a reasonable pension, and I continue to support my former friends and colleagues in what they do. Perhaps conscience is involved, but I just feel that we have been dragged into a war as a political expedient, which does not feel just or for the benefit of the population of Afghanistan.
The good thing about retirement, is seeing friends and colleagues, but without the stress and hassle of involvement of trying to do a hard job with tight financial constraints, diminishing resources but being expected to fulfill all statuatory duties to the fullest extent. In the last 2 years, I did my own job and that of an Officer, who had left and was not replaced due to financial constraints. Having to do this is draining, stressful and imposes conflicting responsibilities which cause all sorts of issues. Being in this situation is wearing physically and emotionally and I was glad to surrender it to someone else. Good luck to Linda my Successor.
Off course, there has been sadness. Some good friends have passed away, which has an edge when you have known them and also worked alongside them over many years - and of course, the migration of our grand children to Australia has given us some sadness. The reality is that a better life is offered there for them, so while regretting their leaving, we pray and hope that they will have a successful life there.
What I am trying to say here really is that God is working strongly in my life, I feel it every day and see his working in so many things. Things happen unexpectedly and in ways that cannot be coincidence to move things on. At the start of Lent I felt such excitement at the build up to Easter and the resurrection of Jesus as our Saviour. I feel a similar excitement now in anticipation of the Birth of Jesus being celebrated. I have done so much this year, The Pastoral Care Course, Joining the Course at Christchurch University and have met so many committed Christians whose life is for and through the Holy Spirit, it has served to help me grow and deepen my own faith.
Last and not least is my membership of i-church, which has been hugely beneficial to me with the fellowship, support, worship and affirmation of belonging to a community of people, none of who I have met, yet who feel closer to me than some of my friends that I have known for years.
God is wonderful, God is Great, God Is!!
Monday, 28 December 2009
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Friday, 10 July 2009
Family Service
lI attended a Family Service last weekend, which was the first in my Parish for me and the first in any church in my journey, since it re-commenced within the church last year.
I had been urged to attend by my Vicar who is mentoring me in preperation to test a vocation, and went along with no hopes or expectations of being involved, but rather as a spectator.
I was most surprised to attend a service led by Lay Ministers, which was actually family oriented and involved the Children in acting out the Gospel of the day, and providing the opportunity for them to interact with adults as we acted out our part in the drama being unveiled.
It was prayerful, but also jolly and fun, and eye opening for my fairly narrow perspective on worship and how it could be so positive and joyful. I will certainly be attending more in the future as I believe it has much to offer and is one sign of God working in a situation which allows 'All Age Worship' to be part of a church community, which is established and formed with a varied age grouping.
I commend it to anyone who thinks that it is just for the kids.
I had been urged to attend by my Vicar who is mentoring me in preperation to test a vocation, and went along with no hopes or expectations of being involved, but rather as a spectator.
I was most surprised to attend a service led by Lay Ministers, which was actually family oriented and involved the Children in acting out the Gospel of the day, and providing the opportunity for them to interact with adults as we acted out our part in the drama being unveiled.
It was prayerful, but also jolly and fun, and eye opening for my fairly narrow perspective on worship and how it could be so positive and joyful. I will certainly be attending more in the future as I believe it has much to offer and is one sign of God working in a situation which allows 'All Age Worship' to be part of a church community, which is established and formed with a varied age grouping.
I commend it to anyone who thinks that it is just for the kids.
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Reading Books
I am doing a fair amount of reading at the moment, having got a fairly extensive reading list as part of my testing a vocation. Reading seems to be a practical exercise, but to take in the content of a book, to put it into context and to reflect on others read in the same context, takes time and discipline.
I had read about five, before I understood that I needed to make a synopsis of what I had read, what I had taken from it and perhaps things in the reading, which had moved me forward or were relevant to my situation. Of course, this now requires me to return to them and complete the exercise.
I also try to find time in a busy life to read the bible as part of a daily prayer cycle, and of course, finding my understanding of it to be enhanced and helped by other books, which explain or comment on the bible passages.
This is a maze of learning, which at the moment, I am finding it difficult to cope with, but things get easier as I get more disciplined.
The lesson for me from this is that being equipped for a vocation, if that is God's will, is not that he will hand me the tools on a plate, rather that he will point out the direction and I will follow and work to obtain the skills needed. Another small realisation, that nothing is given, rather Gods gift to us of an ability to think and reason is there for his purpose, not ours.
I had read about five, before I understood that I needed to make a synopsis of what I had read, what I had taken from it and perhaps things in the reading, which had moved me forward or were relevant to my situation. Of course, this now requires me to return to them and complete the exercise.
I also try to find time in a busy life to read the bible as part of a daily prayer cycle, and of course, finding my understanding of it to be enhanced and helped by other books, which explain or comment on the bible passages.
This is a maze of learning, which at the moment, I am finding it difficult to cope with, but things get easier as I get more disciplined.
The lesson for me from this is that being equipped for a vocation, if that is God's will, is not that he will hand me the tools on a plate, rather that he will point out the direction and I will follow and work to obtain the skills needed. Another small realisation, that nothing is given, rather Gods gift to us of an ability to think and reason is there for his purpose, not ours.
Monday, 15 June 2009
How to Cope
One thing that I have learned over 43 years of military service is coping strategies. Having lived in different countries and cultures with language barriers, you learn to develop these early.
I understand myself to be a reasonably efficient person, with the ability to work well with and manage others. I am also a reasonable manager, or I would not have got to the position of responsibility that I now hold (but am about to relinquish).
I have coped with personal trauma, real trauma and death, complex situations, some during operational deployment, or training for them (albeit, none in recent years). I have always been able to cope.
In the last 12 months, I stepped onto a roller coaster. The roller coaster in question, was a faith journey, which has spun on dramatically escalating from a twinge, an idea, a confirmation that there was a God and that he wanted me back, to joining a Christian Congregation, being confirmed and now testing a vocation. Why have I not coped particularly well with this?
Perhaps it is the total unpredictability of it - perhaps it is God's will to keep me on a hook, perhaps it is just my human inability to see and discern what is going on inside and outside myself. I just don't cope - I go from day to day, with a prayer, with joyous occasions, with new enlightenment coming from small things, people, events, pictures, reading, viewing and participation on the internet in church and research. I am struggling to balance everything and to cope. I don't get time to think before something else comes along to disturb the peace, with I believe that I have got to.
What I do know, is the excitement, the longing, the constant nagging inside saying to me, I am here, this is the way, just follow, be patient, keep seeking, keep your eyes open, be alert, welcome all, and crucially, I feel that the love that is God's presence in my life.
Wow, perhaps I am coping after all.
I understand myself to be a reasonably efficient person, with the ability to work well with and manage others. I am also a reasonable manager, or I would not have got to the position of responsibility that I now hold (but am about to relinquish).
I have coped with personal trauma, real trauma and death, complex situations, some during operational deployment, or training for them (albeit, none in recent years). I have always been able to cope.
In the last 12 months, I stepped onto a roller coaster. The roller coaster in question, was a faith journey, which has spun on dramatically escalating from a twinge, an idea, a confirmation that there was a God and that he wanted me back, to joining a Christian Congregation, being confirmed and now testing a vocation. Why have I not coped particularly well with this?
Perhaps it is the total unpredictability of it - perhaps it is God's will to keep me on a hook, perhaps it is just my human inability to see and discern what is going on inside and outside myself. I just don't cope - I go from day to day, with a prayer, with joyous occasions, with new enlightenment coming from small things, people, events, pictures, reading, viewing and participation on the internet in church and research. I am struggling to balance everything and to cope. I don't get time to think before something else comes along to disturb the peace, with I believe that I have got to.
What I do know, is the excitement, the longing, the constant nagging inside saying to me, I am here, this is the way, just follow, be patient, keep seeking, keep your eyes open, be alert, welcome all, and crucially, I feel that the love that is God's presence in my life.
Wow, perhaps I am coping after all.
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Introspection
Yesterday evening during a going away function for me, two things happened that caused me to stop and to take stock.
In the first, my Parish Priest gave a precis of a case that we were both involved with providing Pastoral Care for a family which had suffered a traumatic bereavement. He praised the care, compassion and competence that I had shown. To me, this covered the inner truth, that at the time I had been hanging on by my fingertips. Swamped and overloaded with others feelings and emotions, I had let their grief have an impact on me, I shared their loss and felt totally inadequate, ill equipped and uprepared for the situation. I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. I liken it to seeing a duck swimming serenely across a pond, while underneath, the legs are working furiously to propel it through the water. As a direct result of this experience, I found God coming back into my life.
Later on, a presentation of a Bible to me, highlighted to me how much had changed in me, and in what others had seen in me since the experience. I had openly acknowledged my return to faith and had discussed it openly with other staff and colleagues. This had been received if initially with a little scepticism, latterly with support and encouragement. From being a total agnostic about faith and belief, I had changed sufficiently in their view, to make the presentation of choice, a Bible.
All of this among a function, filled with laughter and fun, with food and drink, reminiscences of times past and happy working relationships. It felt strange - presenting a front of thanks giving for their kindness, married with inner turmoil.
It has highlighted to me how vulnerable I remain to flash backs and how things that you believe you have got over, can retain a hold on you to return - I need to reflect on this a little and come back when I feel a little better about it.
In the first, my Parish Priest gave a precis of a case that we were both involved with providing Pastoral Care for a family which had suffered a traumatic bereavement. He praised the care, compassion and competence that I had shown. To me, this covered the inner truth, that at the time I had been hanging on by my fingertips. Swamped and overloaded with others feelings and emotions, I had let their grief have an impact on me, I shared their loss and felt totally inadequate, ill equipped and uprepared for the situation. I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. I liken it to seeing a duck swimming serenely across a pond, while underneath, the legs are working furiously to propel it through the water. As a direct result of this experience, I found God coming back into my life.
Later on, a presentation of a Bible to me, highlighted to me how much had changed in me, and in what others had seen in me since the experience. I had openly acknowledged my return to faith and had discussed it openly with other staff and colleagues. This had been received if initially with a little scepticism, latterly with support and encouragement. From being a total agnostic about faith and belief, I had changed sufficiently in their view, to make the presentation of choice, a Bible.
All of this among a function, filled with laughter and fun, with food and drink, reminiscences of times past and happy working relationships. It felt strange - presenting a front of thanks giving for their kindness, married with inner turmoil.
It has highlighted to me how vulnerable I remain to flash backs and how things that you believe you have got over, can retain a hold on you to return - I need to reflect on this a little and come back when I feel a little better about it.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Reflection on Vocation
I am testing a Vocation to Ordained Ministry. I have been struggling to understand the call I feel for some months. I have felt drawn to the Permanent Diocanate - which appears to have a context and direction, serving God's people in a number of ways, which Parish Ministry while one option for Ministry may not be what I am called to.
I have listened carefully to how I feel, what is being said to me, both in my Prayers, reflections and quiet times - and when sharing my feelings and thoughts with others. All that I have heard shows that the call can be live - it can change - it can grow - it can shrink - but once felt and heard will not go away.
The process of discernment is underway - I am in preparation with my Vicar as there is so much I need to do, to learn, to grow in knowledge and understanding, it is daunting and a little frightening.
How will I cope, when I struggle now - at the early stages, at the start. I pray for the strength and grace to move forward and I know that others sharing my journey pray for my Vocation as well - but still I doubt myself, I doubt my worthiness. I have confidence that if I stay on track God will provide - but my human weakness is there all of the time - How do I overcome it?
I am now seeking Spiritual Direction which I pray will allow me to resolve some of these issues and to move forward to follow where God is leading me.
I have listened carefully to how I feel, what is being said to me, both in my Prayers, reflections and quiet times - and when sharing my feelings and thoughts with others. All that I have heard shows that the call can be live - it can change - it can grow - it can shrink - but once felt and heard will not go away.
The process of discernment is underway - I am in preparation with my Vicar as there is so much I need to do, to learn, to grow in knowledge and understanding, it is daunting and a little frightening.
How will I cope, when I struggle now - at the early stages, at the start. I pray for the strength and grace to move forward and I know that others sharing my journey pray for my Vocation as well - but still I doubt myself, I doubt my worthiness. I have confidence that if I stay on track God will provide - but my human weakness is there all of the time - How do I overcome it?
I am now seeking Spiritual Direction which I pray will allow me to resolve some of these issues and to move forward to follow where God is leading me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)