My latest DDO meeting was a reminder that complacency is inappropriate in the process of discernment. My reflection submitted last month was basically an Essay, with insufficient depth and content. In particular there not enough reflection on mission and evangelism and how it is active in my ministry and life.
I came away feeling that I had let down both the DDO and myself and knowing quite well, I had not given sufficient thought to what I had written and had perhaps concentrated to much on an Essay rather than writing as I feel and know I can.
Everyone is supportive, knock backs are part of the process, I just need to pray and reflect carefully on what I am hearing, before picking up and starting over.
I am told that I am being tried - but I wonder if it is me doing the trying, by not being fully what I feel that I am called to be - someone seeking to test a vocation.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Monday, 11 October 2010
Being Brought Down to Earth by the DDO (5th Meeting)
Today's meeting with the DDO was perhaps a timely reminder to me that there is still a long way to travel and a lot more to do, before he will even contemplate putting me forward for the Bishop's Panel in January 2011.
The issue is my apparent inability to put sufficient enough of myself into reflections on the different criteria. On this occasion, the one on mission and evangelism. I had clearly defined mission and evangelism, had quoted the five marks of mission and had provided some examples of it from my ministry experience in the parish - but as he said, "you have read a book and presented an Essay, but that was not the question".
He admitted that he was being tough and critical of me, as he believed that I could do much better. Things missing were:
1. Insufficient depth of explanation on what I had drawn from the ministry experience, and critically, what had I learned from it, how had I grown from it and how could I see it shaping my future ministry.
2. I had described my experiences, but it was considered superficial, with no distinctiveness. I might well just be a nice person, helping out, but it did not speak of a distinctive ministry to him.
3. It is all very well reading and quoting others, but what is needed is a perspective on the book, in particular those things which resonate and a reflection on how they might impact on my future ministry, and how I had gron and learned from reading the book. He called it reflecting theologically on the book before putting thoughts and feelings on paper.
4. He had particular concerns about my understanding of mission and evangelism. The overarching role of mission as the work of the church, providing opportunities for outreach and contact and for evangelism to be ready, as part of the 'mission toolkit' to answer any questions arising from the outreach activity itself. The same arises from pastoral situations, where care is provided unconditionally to all - but where opportunities might arise, if the spirit moves in someone's vocation to open them up to ask or explore further.
I felt a little disheartened by this time, and apologized. However, he came back to me in a supportive way to assure me, that I was not the only one. Others had similar problems, but his role was to prepare, test, challenge me, to seem me grow through the process before he could recommend me to move on further. I felt a little better after that.
The outcome and task for this months is for me to:
a. Reflect on the mission and evangelism criteria, and if I have time, to
produce a new version for next month.
b. To return to the vocation criteria and to my journal and to reflect on
the call, how it had been received, how it had changed and grown and
where I am at now. He urged the use of my journal in this exercise, in
particular, looking back on what I might have written some time ago, and
how things have developed and changed since.
We are to meet again on 8th November. I left to find a quiet space and spent an hour reflecting on what he had given me. Feelings of inadequacy and lack of ability flowed through me, but I prayed and wrote down my feelings and experiences and felt a little better. I than rang my SD, who invited me to come for lunch.
The one thing that is clear to me is that I am not articulating what is needed to show that the call is both genuine, distinctive and valid. I used the term, trust in God, but I wonder for myself, whether I have turned that trust into a crutch, which has fueled my complacency, given the past 4 positive meetings.
Lunch was something to relax me in convivial company. Shared with my SD and a ordained, Franciscan, a lifelong friend of my SD. I was able to relax a little and release some of the tension and feeling of uncertainty in stimulating conversation. I have a session booked with my SD next week, and I feel that it will be an interesting one.
I wonder if I need to regain a sense of proportion and to just let my words flow, instead of over editing (apart from grammatical and spelling) and let them speak for themselves. A question perhaps I need some guidance on, before I answer it for myself.
The issue is my apparent inability to put sufficient enough of myself into reflections on the different criteria. On this occasion, the one on mission and evangelism. I had clearly defined mission and evangelism, had quoted the five marks of mission and had provided some examples of it from my ministry experience in the parish - but as he said, "you have read a book and presented an Essay, but that was not the question".
He admitted that he was being tough and critical of me, as he believed that I could do much better. Things missing were:
1. Insufficient depth of explanation on what I had drawn from the ministry experience, and critically, what had I learned from it, how had I grown from it and how could I see it shaping my future ministry.
2. I had described my experiences, but it was considered superficial, with no distinctiveness. I might well just be a nice person, helping out, but it did not speak of a distinctive ministry to him.
3. It is all very well reading and quoting others, but what is needed is a perspective on the book, in particular those things which resonate and a reflection on how they might impact on my future ministry, and how I had gron and learned from reading the book. He called it reflecting theologically on the book before putting thoughts and feelings on paper.
4. He had particular concerns about my understanding of mission and evangelism. The overarching role of mission as the work of the church, providing opportunities for outreach and contact and for evangelism to be ready, as part of the 'mission toolkit' to answer any questions arising from the outreach activity itself. The same arises from pastoral situations, where care is provided unconditionally to all - but where opportunities might arise, if the spirit moves in someone's vocation to open them up to ask or explore further.
I felt a little disheartened by this time, and apologized. However, he came back to me in a supportive way to assure me, that I was not the only one. Others had similar problems, but his role was to prepare, test, challenge me, to seem me grow through the process before he could recommend me to move on further. I felt a little better after that.
The outcome and task for this months is for me to:
a. Reflect on the mission and evangelism criteria, and if I have time, to
produce a new version for next month.
b. To return to the vocation criteria and to my journal and to reflect on
the call, how it had been received, how it had changed and grown and
where I am at now. He urged the use of my journal in this exercise, in
particular, looking back on what I might have written some time ago, and
how things have developed and changed since.
We are to meet again on 8th November. I left to find a quiet space and spent an hour reflecting on what he had given me. Feelings of inadequacy and lack of ability flowed through me, but I prayed and wrote down my feelings and experiences and felt a little better. I than rang my SD, who invited me to come for lunch.
The one thing that is clear to me is that I am not articulating what is needed to show that the call is both genuine, distinctive and valid. I used the term, trust in God, but I wonder for myself, whether I have turned that trust into a crutch, which has fueled my complacency, given the past 4 positive meetings.
Lunch was something to relax me in convivial company. Shared with my SD and a ordained, Franciscan, a lifelong friend of my SD. I was able to relax a little and release some of the tension and feeling of uncertainty in stimulating conversation. I have a session booked with my SD next week, and I feel that it will be an interesting one.
I wonder if I need to regain a sense of proportion and to just let my words flow, instead of over editing (apart from grammatical and spelling) and let them speak for themselves. A question perhaps I need some guidance on, before I answer it for myself.
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Time Management
One of the things I have had trouble with is time management. When I was working it was critical to my work and running a tight schedule was second nature. Retirement has somehow shot that to pieces and I now find that the lack of urgency in some things means that I perhaps procrastinate and tend to put off things, I should be getting on with. Of course the internet is a major distraction, I enjoy interaction on social networks (twitter, facebook etc) and also on i-church, where I am a community member and volunteer. The thing that is not obvious to those speaking to me about time, is the amount that I learn and grow through these interactions. Also exploring the resources of the internet has given me much insight into other faiths, other Christian denominations and has helped me to formulate some ideas on doctrine, theology and pure human issues.
But God is calling me to offer for something, which I believe to be Ordained Ministry and while he does not seem to be in any rush - I am being encouraged to manage time spent on other activities to give more time to quiet times, prayer, reflection, reading and study. OK, I know it is essential, but some sort of balance is needed between time for God, time for family and friends and time for leisure. I have started a schedule to see how I am actually spending each day, to perhaps measure the time given to God, which I feel needs to be more, and shared with other activities. It will be interesting to see how this works out and I will post again, once I have completed the survey in a couple of weeks.
So, I am going to leave my family tree alone (5325 members, grown over the past few months) and perhaps socialise a little less, though I enjoy it.
So, nose to the grindstone for the next two weeks.
But God is calling me to offer for something, which I believe to be Ordained Ministry and while he does not seem to be in any rush - I am being encouraged to manage time spent on other activities to give more time to quiet times, prayer, reflection, reading and study. OK, I know it is essential, but some sort of balance is needed between time for God, time for family and friends and time for leisure. I have started a schedule to see how I am actually spending each day, to perhaps measure the time given to God, which I feel needs to be more, and shared with other activities. It will be interesting to see how this works out and I will post again, once I have completed the survey in a couple of weeks.
So, I am going to leave my family tree alone (5325 members, grown over the past few months) and perhaps socialise a little less, though I enjoy it.
So, nose to the grindstone for the next two weeks.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Criticism
I have been trying to deal with criticism. Some of myself and my work rate and how I go about research and writing. But some from others, meant in a loving, helpful, constructive way for me to improve. However, it can become overwhelming and cause you to lose your place in the scheme of things.
I have asked for criticism and have felt that I was dealing with it well. Taking it to heart to try to improve and to learn where I have been going wrong. Latterly, I have been feeling a little introspective and wondering if the criticism is actually doing any good.
Off course, along with the criticism I am receiving praise, which I am thankful for, but the balance seems to me to be skewed more on the down, rather than the upside.
I have faced it and spoken to those directing criticism towards me. They are hurt and feel perhaps that I do not appreciate the help they are freely giving me. I just want to respond openly to them, but I am finding it difficult.
Time for more prayer and being open to God in this, criticism can be destructive and lower self-esteem, I don't think that I am at that stage yet and I need to do something to either stop it or to deflect it with explanation and thought.
I am sure that I will come back to this again.
I have asked for criticism and have felt that I was dealing with it well. Taking it to heart to try to improve and to learn where I have been going wrong. Latterly, I have been feeling a little introspective and wondering if the criticism is actually doing any good.
Off course, along with the criticism I am receiving praise, which I am thankful for, but the balance seems to me to be skewed more on the down, rather than the upside.
I have faced it and spoken to those directing criticism towards me. They are hurt and feel perhaps that I do not appreciate the help they are freely giving me. I just want to respond openly to them, but I am finding it difficult.
Time for more prayer and being open to God in this, criticism can be destructive and lower self-esteem, I don't think that I am at that stage yet and I need to do something to either stop it or to deflect it with explanation and thought.
I am sure that I will come back to this again.
Friday, 24 September 2010
Doing to Much?
I have been thinking about some of the things I have been doing over the past few months. I am not working having retired last year, therefore, in theory, I have loads of time to spare and lots to offer. But it is the offers that cause me some doubt. I have several different voluntary roles with my church and another Christian organization. I have study and essays to write and time needed for preparation and reflection on DDO directed activities. In fact, I find myself at times, rushing from place to place, meeting deadlines and pleasing different people. I thought that I had given all of that up when I retired.
I am constantly reminded by my SD, the DDO and Parish Priest of the dangers of being overwhelmed (SD) of doing to much (DDO) and needing time for myself (Parish Priest). At the same time, they give me stuff to do!
It seems to me that the time I need is for God and myself! Time to allow him to perhaps be allowed to speak to me in peace and quiet, not while I am on the run. Although, I must admit that those glimpses are worthwhile, specially when I hear or see someone who inspires me with their love, humility and selfless service.
My question to myself perhaps is concerned with my ability to cope with pressure - if I am wobbling now, at a time when the church is testing a vocation, how will I cope with training (if selected) and how will I cope with ministry if ordained?
Lots to pray for and guidance to seek - back to my SD perhaps.
I am constantly reminded by my SD, the DDO and Parish Priest of the dangers of being overwhelmed (SD) of doing to much (DDO) and needing time for myself (Parish Priest). At the same time, they give me stuff to do!
It seems to me that the time I need is for God and myself! Time to allow him to perhaps be allowed to speak to me in peace and quiet, not while I am on the run. Although, I must admit that those glimpses are worthwhile, specially when I hear or see someone who inspires me with their love, humility and selfless service.
My question to myself perhaps is concerned with my ability to cope with pressure - if I am wobbling now, at a time when the church is testing a vocation, how will I cope with training (if selected) and how will I cope with ministry if ordained?
Lots to pray for and guidance to seek - back to my SD perhaps.
Friday, 17 September 2010
The English Patient
This month the DDO gave me the film The English Patient to review. It is part of the Ordination Criteria of Personality and Character. The idea being that I watch the film making notes as I go, and then follow up with a brief review of the theme of the film and and identify any characters that resonate with me and why. I had not read the book, so perhaps I need to do so to compare with the films interpretation of what I understand to be a modern classic.
Having never seen the film (despite it winning 7 awards) I was pleasantly surprised by its depth and coverage. The Characters are expressive and speak volumes, even if not in words. So does the setting of the Libyan Desert and the times just before and during WW2.
The film is basically about love (forbidden or unrequited) broken people, forgiveness and renewal. But I actually found it to be full of hope, that despite some desperate circumstances, something good can come from hard situations. Almasi the central character is complex as is Katherine as his lover and another man's wife, but the most complex character is Hannah. She appears to be a victim from several bereavements (a good friend dying right at the start) who takes Almasi, her patient and see's something Christlike in his suffering. Her relationships with everyone she encounters appear to work out on several levels, even with Kip the Sikh Sapper, who becomes her lover. She believed that she was cursed, due to the bereavements she suffered personally, and also allowed her compassion to overwhelm her, becoming much to emotionally involved with those she treated, leaving her extremely vulnerable to their suffering, perhaps helpless to do anything effective to help them. So taking Almasi, who was going to die whatever she did and allowing him to die in peace, medicated and lovingly cared for seemed to be the solution to her problems. Off course, it wasn't the solution for her, but it was for Almasi, who having learned who he was, asked to be put out of his misery. Her developing relationship with Kip allows her to become once again fulfilled both as a women and a lover and to cope with her vulnerability.
Another very understated character was Sgt Hardy. From saving Hannah's life in the minefield, throughout the film, his trust in, love and respect for Kip as his superior, friend and commander, gained from years working together in dangerous situations seems to be me to speak of a selfless, sacrificial love and life. Only after his unfortunate death by a booby trap bomb, did Kip discover that Hardy actually had been courting a local italian girl and was actually engaged.
Another character David Carrigio, a vengeful, anger filled man, who had been mutilated by a German interrogator after being betrayed as a british agent, came to Italy, looking for Almasi, convinced that he had been responsible for his betrayal. After encountering Almasi and listening to his flashback memories, comes to accept that he might not have been directly to blame and is able to forgive. Wonderful to think that God works in people in such ways.
Off course, the love story between Almasi and Katherine is central to the story, revealing aspects of both of their characters. Almasi, very much a thoughtful, self contained loner, coping with new feelings of love of the unobtainable. Katherine, an self centered, slightly impractical, hut educated socialite married to Geoffrey and explorer and british agent, taking what she wants with Almasi, an affair, which is not just about the sex, but is about a deep and profound love and affection between them. Eventually sacrificing the affair for the sake of her marriage. The explosive outcome of Geoffrey discovering the affair and killing himself while also trying to kill Almasi and Katherine leads to the poingant ending of Katherine, injured left in a cave to die alone, while Almasi seeking help is imprisoned as a German spy. Almasi eventually returns to find Katherines body and takes it in a plane, which is shot down with Almasi being terribly burned, losing his memory and ending up as the English Patient.
A thought provoking film indeed, giving me much to reflect on. Now for the essay.
Having never seen the film (despite it winning 7 awards) I was pleasantly surprised by its depth and coverage. The Characters are expressive and speak volumes, even if not in words. So does the setting of the Libyan Desert and the times just before and during WW2.
The film is basically about love (forbidden or unrequited) broken people, forgiveness and renewal. But I actually found it to be full of hope, that despite some desperate circumstances, something good can come from hard situations. Almasi the central character is complex as is Katherine as his lover and another man's wife, but the most complex character is Hannah. She appears to be a victim from several bereavements (a good friend dying right at the start) who takes Almasi, her patient and see's something Christlike in his suffering. Her relationships with everyone she encounters appear to work out on several levels, even with Kip the Sikh Sapper, who becomes her lover. She believed that she was cursed, due to the bereavements she suffered personally, and also allowed her compassion to overwhelm her, becoming much to emotionally involved with those she treated, leaving her extremely vulnerable to their suffering, perhaps helpless to do anything effective to help them. So taking Almasi, who was going to die whatever she did and allowing him to die in peace, medicated and lovingly cared for seemed to be the solution to her problems. Off course, it wasn't the solution for her, but it was for Almasi, who having learned who he was, asked to be put out of his misery. Her developing relationship with Kip allows her to become once again fulfilled both as a women and a lover and to cope with her vulnerability.
Another very understated character was Sgt Hardy. From saving Hannah's life in the minefield, throughout the film, his trust in, love and respect for Kip as his superior, friend and commander, gained from years working together in dangerous situations seems to be me to speak of a selfless, sacrificial love and life. Only after his unfortunate death by a booby trap bomb, did Kip discover that Hardy actually had been courting a local italian girl and was actually engaged.
Another character David Carrigio, a vengeful, anger filled man, who had been mutilated by a German interrogator after being betrayed as a british agent, came to Italy, looking for Almasi, convinced that he had been responsible for his betrayal. After encountering Almasi and listening to his flashback memories, comes to accept that he might not have been directly to blame and is able to forgive. Wonderful to think that God works in people in such ways.
Off course, the love story between Almasi and Katherine is central to the story, revealing aspects of both of their characters. Almasi, very much a thoughtful, self contained loner, coping with new feelings of love of the unobtainable. Katherine, an self centered, slightly impractical, hut educated socialite married to Geoffrey and explorer and british agent, taking what she wants with Almasi, an affair, which is not just about the sex, but is about a deep and profound love and affection between them. Eventually sacrificing the affair for the sake of her marriage. The explosive outcome of Geoffrey discovering the affair and killing himself while also trying to kill Almasi and Katherine leads to the poingant ending of Katherine, injured left in a cave to die alone, while Almasi seeking help is imprisoned as a German spy. Almasi eventually returns to find Katherines body and takes it in a plane, which is shot down with Almasi being terribly burned, losing his memory and ending up as the English Patient.
A thought provoking film indeed, giving me much to reflect on. Now for the essay.
Monday, 30 August 2010
The Journey Continues
It's a couple of months since I posted here. I have been pretty busy with lots of different things, some family related but in the main church or vocation related.
I had a third meeting with the DDO last month, which again was positive and allowed a pretty two way conversation, with my questions being answered very well. Each meeting gives me more insight and more confidence in both the DDO and the system for selection, which I had been negative about, but I can now see much more the realism that is needed and central to the process.
It is not me testing a vocation, but God and the Church together. I feel that God is pointing me in a certain direction, with the road map a little fuzzy - the DDO is my guide and mentor who is willing me to demonstrate the potential necessary to progress, but is also prepared to act if potential is not being displayed and growth being shown.
One thing I have really learned in this process it to read carefully the criteria and the tasks being asked. In my ignorance or perhaps laziness I have twice gone of on a red herring when preparing and writing essays - only to discover that I had actually got it totally wrong. I have also discovered a weakness in my essay writing skills and have been fortunate to have been given some help from an English teacher to improve them. Going back to basics is a salutary experience - it reminds us of how much we learn and forget. All of this I had done at school in the 1960's, but generally disregarded as obsolete and not important in my working life. Now the priority is to get it right and first time.
The second thing I have learned is the importance of proper reflection on things that happen, how they happen, what I did during them, and what I have learned from the experience. Keeping my journal upto date is important to allow me to look back on situations and consider how I could have dealt with them better.
Spiritual Direction is another area where I have found real support and encouragement, but have also on occasion been in a rocky place and disappointed my SD. He has made it clear that I am not doing myself a service with missing out on things or procrastination - I am only disappointing God, who is calling me to make the most of those inherent gifts given to me freely. I see that I need to seize every opportunity and make the best of it.
Otherwise life continues. Today is a lazy Bank Holiday with a lot to do this week with my church in terms of ministry, training, interviewing potential candidate for a role in the Parish and revision and more english tuition.
Life is great and God is Greater. Thanks be to God for all of this which is helping me to grow and to develop as a Christian and to be fully who he knows I can be.
I had a third meeting with the DDO last month, which again was positive and allowed a pretty two way conversation, with my questions being answered very well. Each meeting gives me more insight and more confidence in both the DDO and the system for selection, which I had been negative about, but I can now see much more the realism that is needed and central to the process.
It is not me testing a vocation, but God and the Church together. I feel that God is pointing me in a certain direction, with the road map a little fuzzy - the DDO is my guide and mentor who is willing me to demonstrate the potential necessary to progress, but is also prepared to act if potential is not being displayed and growth being shown.
One thing I have really learned in this process it to read carefully the criteria and the tasks being asked. In my ignorance or perhaps laziness I have twice gone of on a red herring when preparing and writing essays - only to discover that I had actually got it totally wrong. I have also discovered a weakness in my essay writing skills and have been fortunate to have been given some help from an English teacher to improve them. Going back to basics is a salutary experience - it reminds us of how much we learn and forget. All of this I had done at school in the 1960's, but generally disregarded as obsolete and not important in my working life. Now the priority is to get it right and first time.
The second thing I have learned is the importance of proper reflection on things that happen, how they happen, what I did during them, and what I have learned from the experience. Keeping my journal upto date is important to allow me to look back on situations and consider how I could have dealt with them better.
Spiritual Direction is another area where I have found real support and encouragement, but have also on occasion been in a rocky place and disappointed my SD. He has made it clear that I am not doing myself a service with missing out on things or procrastination - I am only disappointing God, who is calling me to make the most of those inherent gifts given to me freely. I see that I need to seize every opportunity and make the best of it.
Otherwise life continues. Today is a lazy Bank Holiday with a lot to do this week with my church in terms of ministry, training, interviewing potential candidate for a role in the Parish and revision and more english tuition.
Life is great and God is Greater. Thanks be to God for all of this which is helping me to grow and to develop as a Christian and to be fully who he knows I can be.
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