Being Brought Down to Earth by the DDO (5th Meeting)

Today's meeting with the DDO was perhaps a timely reminder to me that there is still a long way to travel and a lot more to do, before he will even contemplate putting me forward for the Bishop's Panel in January 2011.

The issue is my apparent inability to put sufficient enough of myself into reflections on the different criteria. On this occasion, the one on mission and evangelism. I had clearly defined mission and evangelism, had quoted the five marks of mission and had provided some examples of it from my ministry experience in the parish - but as he said, "you have read a book and presented an Essay, but that was not the question".

He admitted that he was being tough and critical of me, as he believed that I could do much better. Things missing were:

1. Insufficient depth of explanation on what I had drawn from the ministry experience, and critically, what had I learned from it, how had I grown from it and how could I see it shaping my future ministry.

2. I had described my experiences, but it was considered superficial, with no distinctiveness. I might well just be a nice person, helping out, but it did not speak of a distinctive ministry to him.

3. It is all very well reading and quoting others, but what is needed is a perspective on the book, in particular those things which resonate and a reflection on how they might impact on my future ministry, and how I had gron and learned from reading the book. He called it reflecting theologically on the book before putting thoughts and feelings on paper.

4. He had particular concerns about my understanding of mission and evangelism. The overarching role of mission as the work of the church, providing opportunities for outreach and contact and for evangelism to be ready, as part of the 'mission toolkit' to answer any questions arising from the outreach activity itself. The same arises from pastoral situations, where care is provided unconditionally to all - but where opportunities might arise, if the spirit moves in someone's vocation to open them up to ask or explore further.

I felt a little disheartened by this time, and apologized. However, he came back to me in a supportive way to assure me, that I was not the only one. Others had similar problems, but his role was to prepare, test, challenge me, to seem me grow through the process before he could recommend me to move on further. I felt a little better after that.

The outcome and task for this months is for me to:

a. Reflect on the mission and evangelism criteria, and if I have time, to
produce a new version for next month.

b. To return to the vocation criteria and to my journal and to reflect on
the call, how it had been received, how it had changed and grown and
where I am at now. He urged the use of my journal in this exercise, in
particular, looking back on what I might have written some time ago, and
how things have developed and changed since.

We are to meet again on 8th November. I left to find a quiet space and spent an hour reflecting on what he had given me. Feelings of inadequacy and lack of ability flowed through me, but I prayed and wrote down my feelings and experiences and felt a little better. I than rang my SD, who invited me to come for lunch.

The one thing that is clear to me is that I am not articulating what is needed to show that the call is both genuine, distinctive and valid. I used the term, trust in God, but I wonder for myself, whether I have turned that trust into a crutch, which has fueled my complacency, given the past 4 positive meetings.

Lunch was something to relax me in convivial company. Shared with my SD and a ordained, Franciscan, a lifelong friend of my SD. I was able to relax a little and release some of the tension and feeling of uncertainty in stimulating conversation. I have a session booked with my SD next week, and I feel that it will be an interesting one.

I wonder if I need to regain a sense of proportion and to just let my words flow, instead of over editing (apart from grammatical and spelling) and let them speak for themselves. A question perhaps I need some guidance on, before I answer it for myself.