Meeting with DDO - Post Diocesan Panel

I met the DDO yesterday, to receive a copy of the report and to get feedback from the Panel on my performance.   The meeting went well, beyond my expectations and while there are one or two areas needing to be addressed, but in the main, it was all positive.  Obviously, the assessors saw things latent in me, that I had not specifically identified myself.

I have a firm appointment to meet the Bishop and have discussed BAP and future training options with the DDO.   I need to discuss these with the Bishop, who has the final say.  There are three routes for training, and while I know the route I'd like to follow, the Bishop will I'm sure, have his own views.

BAP is likely to be mid-to late March. And I have a pre-BAP weekend scheduled in February.

I've got to make contact early with the training providers to discuss what option would be best for me and for the church.   I'll be looking to do this next week.   There's also a huge paperwork trail to start all over again.

If God's will is discerned positively at BAP, I hope to commence training at SEITE in the Autumn of 2012.

God is Great.

Picture from www. ststevenshouse.blogspot.com

Recommended by Diocesan Panel

Today I was notified that I've been recommended by a Diocesan Panel as suitable for training for Ordained Ministry.  That's not the end of the process, just one step along the journey.

I've got to meet the Bishop later this month, to see whether he accepts that recommendation and will send me to the Bishop's Advisory Panel (BAP) which is run by the Church as a national selection process.  It's run over a long weekend in different locations a few times a year.

The discernment process might seem to some to be quite long, quite drawn out and to be looking for some strange personal qualities.  I wonder how I managed to get through it so far.  Perhaps I'll be found out later?

But whatever comes of this process, I've had a hugely beneficial journey, shared with so many great and Holy people, supported by prayer and surrounded by the freely given grace of God.

Lots more I could say, but I've been privileged to share so much which has meant so much to me. God has certainly got a sense of humour.  I wanted to turn Cartwheels today when I got the news. But age and dignity precluded that. :)

Signs Received

I went to Aylesford Priory today for a quiet day of prayer and reflection. I’m due to attend a Diocesan Panel this coming Saturday, which is part of the discernment process for Ordained Ministry in the Church of England.

I’ve been in preparation for this panel for a number of weeks, and have done loads of stuff for it, including thinking through the Ordination Criteria and how the church will seek to discern whether my vocation is real, valid and whether my limited gifts could be usefully employed in an active ministry.

During the past few weeks since the date was announced, I’ve had mega-support from my Vicar and other Clergy and lay people within the Parish, culminating with special prayers last Sunday at Holy Communion, combined with the laying on of hands. I’ve felt honoured and humbled by their support, fellowship and evident encouragement to test the vocation I’ve explored for the past two years.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my Spiritual Director, which was enjoyable and which I left feeling very affirmed. In fact, I was totally relaxed and on top of the world. During the meeting in some way, God prompted me that I needed a quiet day, which I resolved to spend at Aylesford Priory.

A few hours later when the magnitude of what I am about to go through hit home. I had what I would call a ‘wobble’ and a crisis of confidence. I really felt that it was all to much, and that I wouldn’t be able to cope. But with support from others, I resolved to continue onto the quiet day and see what God might be saying to me over this.

This morning I arrived at Aylesford by 8. am. My SD had been struck by the words of Colossians 4, “Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside speech always be with grace” which I felt should be the theme for the quiet day. It was quiet and peaceful and I was able to walk around praying including the Rosary Walk, and than I went and sat in the Cloister Chapel for an hour and read the Gospel of John from the KJV of the bible that I had with me.. The opening words from John 1 to John 8, just seemed to be shouting at me that I too could be a messenger. I sat for a while, but I’d had a huge mood swing from negative to positive. Something was happening to transform me. I prayed in thanks giving.

I went for another longish prayer walk, stopping at the Cafe for a tea break, and decided that I would attend the mid-day Mass in the Cloister chapel. I’m quite comfortable at Mass, but as they were using the Revised Missal, I got a little confused. However, the first reading was from 1Samuel3, where the Lord calls Samuel. Again, God seemed to be shouting at me. Yes, You!!. I passed the rest of the Mass in bit of a daze. Could God actually be giving me signs, telling me that I might just be on the right path? I have to take it in good faith that he is.

I’ve returned home from Aylesford Priory, convinced that it was God’s prompting that drew me there today, where he was waiting to sign post me or to let me have a glimpse of his intentions. God speaking to me through scripture is a wonderful experience. I now go forward to the panel with renewed hope and spirit. God is Great.

 Photograph from Aylesford Priory Website: http://www.thefriars.org.uk/

Called to What?

This was originally posted at the Big Bible Project

http://bigbible.org.uk/2011/12/called-to-what-minidvr/#.TunhbLIr27t

DECEMBER 10, 2011 BY ERNIE FEASEY LEAVE A COMMENT

I’ve been exploring a [1]vocation within the Church of England for a little over two years.  The exploration has been a journey of ups and downs, but mainly ups.  The process described as ‘discernment’ is for the church to discern an individual’s vocation (or call) to ministry, to select and to train and form the individual for their future ministry.  The system is national, with local variations, diocese by diocese.  The process appears convuluted and can be prolonged, but at the end of it, you hope that your call will be discerned and that you will go forward for training for the type of ministry you feel called too.

While I have my own blog[2], I have been excited and envigorated by the Big Bible and digidisciple concepts, in particular the digidisciple blog posts, some from people who I know, or enjoy online relationships with, and others who I don’t know, but want to very soon.  The concept seems to me to be very enabling and particpatory, which has been very much my experience in the vocations journey so far.

So, why write another blog?  I thought that I might write on how I feel about the terminology of the discernment process and how in other contexts words, phrases or terms used relate  speak to me of other things or places in my life, which might point to something different..

I come from a military background, my original ‘call to serve’ was as a soldier.  The first word I’m thinking about is ‘call’! In military terms you might use it to describe a summons to duty, the one perhaps familiar to most people would be the bugle calls ‘Reveille and Last Post’. It is also a call to war.  I’m reminded of of the Poem by Robert Willian Service[3], written from France in August 1914, just after the start of the Great War of 1914-1919.

The Call:

Far and near, high and clear,
Hark to the call of War!
Over the gorse and the golden dells,
Ringing and swinging of clamorous bells,
Praying and saying of wild farewells:
War! War! War!

High and low, all must go:
Hark to the shout of War!
Leave to the women the harvest yield;
Gird ye, men, for the sinister field;
A sabre instead of a scythe to wield:
War! Red War!

Rich and poor, lord and boor,
Hark to the blast of War!
Tinker and tailor and millionaire,
Actor in triumph and priest in prayer,
Comrades now in the hell out there,
Sweep to the fire of War!
Prince and page, sot and sage,
Hark to the roar of War!
Poet,  professor and circus clown,
Chimney-sweeper and fop o’ the town,
Into the pot and be melted down:
Into the pot of War!

Women all, hear the call,
The pitiless call of War!
Look your last on your dearest ones,
Brothers and husbands, fathers, sons:
Swift they go to the ravenous guns,
The gluttonous guns of War.

Everywhere thrill the air
The maniac bells of War.
There will be little of sleeping to-night;
There will be wailing and weeping to-night;
Death’s red sickle is reaping to-night:
War! War! War!

http://media.photobucket.com/image/jesus%20gun/elite_17/jesus-machine-gun.jpg?o=10

Service wasn’t against military service itself.   He enlisted, at age 41,  despite being unfit, before being discharged. He later served as a war correspondent and as a stretcher bearer and ambulance driver with the American Red Cross. Reading this poem, it seems to me to have been prothetic, given that it was written at an early stage of the war, before some of the great war poetry was written by the likes of Rupert Brook[4], Wilfred Owen[5], and Siegfried Sasoon[6].

Why does this speak to me?

Having spent the greater part of my adult life in uniform, several tours of which were active service. Not in today’s context, but the no less dangerous environment of Northern Ireland.    Somewhere along the line, perhaps in the last two years of service, the call to serve in the vocation of military got lost somewhere.  I’m still trying to work out whether it was conscience or disilluison or just plain fatigue?  But somehow, sending more and more young men off to pointless wars seemed illogical and in the case of the second Iraq War, illegal.  We seemed to have gone to war purely on a fabrication of the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not ashamed of my service. I am proud to have served. I remain enormously proud of our armed services and the job that they are doing, and will continue to do.   I just know that I have somehow become a pacifist.

I became a Christian fairly late in this process, which I’m sure had some impact on my thought process. It was the start of a process of transformation which led to where I am now. With a new ‘call to serve’ but God, not war.  It’s started, where will it take me next?

---

[1]^{http://www.churchofengland.org/clergy-office-holders/ministry/vocation.aspx}

[2]^{http://ukviewer.blogspot.com/}

[3]^{http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_W._Service}

[4]^{http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rupert_Brooke}

[5]^{http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilfred_Owen}

[6]^{http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siegfried_Sassoon}

Called to What?

I've become involved in the Big Bible Project.

My first post there is available here 

I'll be continuing this blog as well. Next post in a couple of days.

Christian New Media Conference #cmac11

I attended #cnmac11 at City University last Saturday, it was the second time I had been, the first being #cnmac10.  Others have blogged elsewhere much better than I can, but, having had time to reflect upon the conference, I considered it in terms of vocation.

What did I get from this conference and what does it say to me about Ordained Ministry?

First, it was a magnificent community event. 300 like minded people joining together to seek the Spirit’s guidance and wisdom in how we can use social (New) media to engage with people online and off line. The atmosphere was electric, joyful and full of good nature and humour. I was able to meet new online friends, off line and to know that our online relationships, transfer with ease to off line.

Second, the content of the conference was challenging and wide ranging. Last time I went to mainly theological type presentations, this year I was looking for more practical, ‘matter of fact’ presentations from acknowledged ‘digidisciples’ who I have come to know and to interact with online, to enhance my understanding of the more practical aspects of NM. I sense that next time I would look towards the more technical ‘geeky’ aspects of NM.

Third, a large number of the participants both presenters and participants were in Ordained or Lay ministries within their respective denominations, a mix of  a high proportion of Anglican/Methodist, but with lots more from Baptist and Free churches. Each one I spoke to or interacted with had a story to share and imbued all that they did with a clear and refreshing perspective of ‘why they were here - and what they were about’, God’s business. 

 Conclusion.  From my perspective it was both encouraging and invigorating to be among them, able to communicate in their language, but also to feel affirmed that my input was as valued as theirs. The word I would use is ‘welcoming’ which seems to me to be a large part of  Ministry. The listening, accepting, welcoming of the new, while respecting and holding it in tension with the traditional and cultural aspects of our faith and belief and seeing where they fit together to pass on the good news.

Death of an Uncle

My sole remaining Uncle has just died, sadly, in a hospital after a fall, from which he suffered a broken hip, further complications weakened him so much he did not respond to treatment. He passed away alone at 0130 hrs, which I’m told is a common time for those near death to surrender to it. It seems to me that God has taken him into his loving arms to take away his suffering. The night before, when his partner visited, he had managed to summon the strengh to take and to squeeze her hand. Which she is now believing him to have used to say good bye.

I’m still in a little shock. While not unexpected, he had been unwell for the past couple of years and was waitng for transfer from hospital to a care home, something he was unhappy about, as he only wanted to be allowed to go home to die.

He had been a vibrant, fully alive and with all his faculties until very recently, when Dementia had reduced his ability to communicate. But he would come alive when members of his family or his partner Margaret visited and particularly when talking about his life and Army service in the last war.

I was incredibly proud of him, he was a true hero, in the quiet, unassuming way that he described his experiences of fighting with his Battalion in the Alamein campaigns. Being taken prisoner, his transportation to Italy and escaping by jumping of a moving train taking him to a POW camp. He ended up fighting with the Italian Partisans for nearly a year before recapture. He suffered ill-treatment at the hands of his captors, before being taken to be held in a POW camp in Poland. He endured the long march of prisoners forced to march back into Germany in the face of Russian advances until liberated by the Americans. He continued in the Army (he was a Regular), but remained haunted by the over 800 casualties from his Battalion, during WW2. He spoke about them with sadness and seemed to miss so many of them.

 As a person, he was a nominal Christian, but had felt very much estranged from God. He said to me once that he couldn’t see how a God would entertain him who had seen so many bad things, and who had killed people. He believed he was lost and seemed resigned to the fact. I’m not sure whether he actually had be able to reconcile this before his death, I sincerely hope that he did.

May Perpetual Light shine upon him,
May he rest in peace,
And Rise in Glory
Amen

Kings Badge of the Durham Light Infantry from http://www.northeastmedals.co.uk/british_regiment/durham_light_infantry.htm